A young friend was sharing his worries about starting up his own business; he was trying very hard to address all aspects of being a small business owner- growing his product, marketing it, doing the accounts and invoicing, checking up on current clients, etc…He was very anxious and could hardly sleep worrying about a possible failure and that his investors would blame him. He had lost weight and had little time for his intimate relationship. He was sure that no one else in his position could possibly feel as embarrassed as him about not making any profit after the first six months. He felt ashamed of checking in with any colleagues about his efforts. When I looked at him, I wondered if he was heading for a serious breakdown…
Apart from the fact that his was already doing the “what if…” dance in his head, he felt certain that he was not competent enough to pull this off ( blaming himself), and that he could not afford even to take a day off in case one of his investors might catch him ( them blaming him). Like most of us, he had grown up with the belief that if he was smart enough and worked hard enough, he would be a success. After all, isn’t that what happens in this society?
First, let me define shame; Dialectical Behavior Therapy ( DBT) states that Shame is the emotional reaction we have when our core identity is challenged; for instance, if you are betrayed by the person you love, or failing at something you feel you are ( or should be) competent to do. Dr Brene Brown, who is the current popular authority on Shame, in her book “I Thought it was just me (but it isn’t)”, makes a distinction between shame and guilt; “shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.” The subtitle to her book is: Making the Journey from what will People think? To I am Enough”. Most of us feel we are not enough- how sad!
Shame is a very debilitating emotion. In my practice, I help folks unpack how they feel about themselves and to identify old stories and core beliefs that cause them to feel like they just want to go underground. Old stories block them asserting themselves and getting on with their lives. We can repattern and realign the body/mind connection, through Mindfulness of emotions, practicing Opposite Action (DBT skills), self-affirmation, even hypnosis for addressing core beliefs.
One of the most effective ways to combat shame is talk about it to others who are feeling the same way, and could be supportive. My women’s group grapples with shame issues and unconditionally supports each member. With my young friend in the beginning story, I suggested he find a Business Leads group or the Chamber of Commerce Small Business startups, to be around colleagues he can discuss issues with. Because of the epidemic of shaming that is experienced through the Social Media, it is important to discuss how to limit the way shaming and blaming can affect teens and adults. It is essential that we start early with an early grounding in self and reality acceptance in our child rearing.
Shame is at the root of depression and anxiety and goes hand in hand with perfectionism; there is a reason these conditions are escalating in this society. Contact me if you are feeling you are not enough.
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