Grief and Loss

Now as an elder, I have had the privilege of experiencing the deaths of both my parents under very different circumstances. I know that tending to a parent declining over many years has a different quality than losing someone unexpectedly in an accident.  I have learned so much about my own mind, the richness of life and loss, and the gifts of watching the dying process. And I also have had time to muse on how navigating the emotions of loss and grief can be so different for each of us.

You may be feeling stuck in the pain of loss, whether it is of a person important to you, grieving your own loss of body function, or even disappointment in expectations of how life ‘should be’. The way you grieve is influenced by so many factors- your personality, upbringing and ability to tolerate stress, the timing, and importance of the loss,   how many other losses you had recently, or society’s expectations around how long loss and grieving should go on. Your job might allow you 3-5 days for Bereavement leave; however, it may take much longer to feel you can focus and enter a busy workplace again. Grief and loss and the emotions around these- guilt, anger, sadness, and shame– can ebb and flow for years, and some losses you may never really “get over”. The loss of a child or spouse is at top of the Holmes and Rahe stress scale and can affect a person’s physical health too.

Most clients come to me with various inevitable losses and grief in their life histories, which may influence other issues they want to address. However, grieving is not the same as depression. When the pain is unbearable and we don’t have resilience or guidance in how to move through the grieving process, then increased anxiety and depression can be the result.”Complicated grief” can start overlapping into symptoms of a major depressive episode. Perhaps you have “depressed” emotions rather than expressing them and letting them move through. This is suffering, rather than the natural pain that is part of the changes in the seasons of life. I believe that pain is inevitable for us human beings, but suffering is optional.

Understanding the process of grieving is very helpful to your body/mind. Learning to manage life with grace and compassion for yourself and others is the way through. Avoid continuing to suffer, and contact me to learn  Mindfulness training, explore your emotions and spirituality, receive education about the natural stages of grief, join a group processing emotions, or access free resources (for instance through TRU Community Care); all these can help.