Lately I have had some clients who have been struggling with the backlash of keeping secrets- either their own, or finding out that a close friend or spouse has been lying. These days, the Social Media and mobile phone technology have added another layer of ‘outing’ these secrets; although this can be useful, this has also added to how hurtful this can be. Airing all the dirty laundry (or embroidering/exaggerating events, for various reasons), avoiding painful truths, or making up tall tales, can sometimes lead to chronic anxiety or even depression. At the least it can be embarrassing when the secret comes out; sometimes it can wreck someone’s life.
Why do we keep secrets so often? What do we hope to get out of it? Apparently lying and self deception is so common that researchers think it is an evolutionary way of surviving. In “Psychology Today”, Delroy Paulhus of the University of British Columbia makes a distinction between “impression management” and conscious manipulation. Most folks don’t have great self esteem so they pump themselves up to look good, whether it is on a resume or on Facebook. And it becomes easier if people actually believe in their own self deception, as this takes up less angst and guilty rumination and just becomes a habit. Sometimes it is actually helpful to “fake it till you make it” as an effective tool!
However there are varying degrees of managing deception which can become pathological; if someone compartmentalizes and represses so much, they may lose sight of their own “basic biogenic personality” (see Brian Little’s “Me, Myself and Us”). This can lead to dissociation and personality disorders. In the case of early trauma, there can be physical symptoms from obesity to immune disorders. Interestingly, if this is because the trauma is too painful to unpack, then keeping theses secrets or practicing self deception becomes preferable to completely falling apart.
When you choose a therapist, it is essential to build a good alliance so that if you do disclose an embarrassing secret or decide to work on trauma, you feel you can trust that therapist. There is a great deal of relief at times when all that repressed energy is allowed to surface in a safe way. Skilful therapists will know with your honest feedback, whether you are ready to unpack something, whether you need to build your self esteem more, or in some cases, whether it is more effective to keep that secret.
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