I went to visit an old friend recently who had “dropped off my radar”; she was not answering her phone and was not replying to her emails. And since I did not live near her anymore, I reluctantly accepted that I would have to wait for her to make contact again. When I did finally get an invitation and arrived at her place, it was clear to see that she had not fared well in the Covid era, and due to her chronic illness had gotten more depressed and isolated. After a few hours visiting, she voiced her gratitude for our friendship and how much it meant to her. It was also valuable to me that we had known each other for over twenty years. As older friends, we’d had a lot of time to build memories to share.
This led to me pondering what it is about us humans as social animals, our needs, and what friendship gives to us. In a 2107 National Geographic which summarized the World Happiness Report I was reminded “about three-quarters of human happiness is driven by six factors: strong economic growth, healthy lifestyle expectancy, quality social relationships, generosity, trust and freedom to live the life that’s right for you”. So how we build our connections individually and as a society with shared ideals is SO important.
So what is a good friendship? We are drawn to folks that have qualities we admire or wish to learn from or emulate. We have to have some things in common to share, and we need a comfortable “back and forth” or what I would call reciprocation- that we both make an effort to cultivate the friendship, and that we share in the building of respect, trust and support of each other’s welfare. When there is a good balance between what we are giving and receiving, we feel an urge to continue the connection. That does not mean that we should always avoid conflict, but if managed skillfully with the intent to find harmony, we can learn a great deal about each other and grow psychologically and spiritually.
Few of us have any education in what makes a good friend, and that is hard. Think of the person who is so desperate to make or keep a friend that so much time and energy is spent reaching out, and then it backfires- the potential friend feels smothered. Or there is the “vampire” approach where the friend feels drained by the needs and demands of the other. I see younger folks who cannot talk about their own needs, becoming a ‘counselor’ for a needy friend, then feeling exhausted. Most of us struggle with self-esteem and can get easily hurt by perceived judgments or dominating behaviors. We all want to be loved and respected, and often will go to great lengths to attract this. Be wary of folks who seem so selfless by declaring they are giving up their own needs to satisfy others; they are still trying to get what THEY want.
As we launch into the Holiday Season where we are excited to visit friends and family once more while still navigating the Pandemic, take care of your precious family and friendships, keep each other safe, nurture the relationships which seem uplifting for you, and avoid the others. Remember it is never too late to reach out and try for a new friend. There are plenty of skills available in the counseling realm if you need my guidance.
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