Being human is a complicated emotional experience. So not surprisingly, depression can be complicated too. Becoming depressed does not just ‘happen’ in a few weeks, and it can take time to unpack layers of feeling hopeless, helpless, or being in a self-loathing state. Depression comes with anger, blame, deep sadness and other difficult emotions, either at others or oneself.
Letting go of destructive emotions requires a practice of forgiveness or tolerance. I think of forgiveness as “a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve forgiveness …it does not mean forgetting, condoning or excusing offences.” (Per the Oxford Dictionary). This also means the decision to release oneself from these emotions. There has been an upswing in interest in forgiveness; in 1985 there were only 5 studies on forgiveness, now this has increased in the 2000s, by 4000 percent!
Forgiveness looks like it may not be just a one-time thing. Ever heard of family feuds that go on for generations? And then there is (as researchers Julia Hull and Frank Fincham in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 2005, name it), “the stepchild”, self-forgiveness. In fact, there is evidence that unless one can forgive oneself (think of self-hatred and self-contempt) and regain some self-love and respect in the face of one’s own wrongdoing, one can’t really forgive others. In graduate school I heard a definition of depression as “anger turned inwards” which seems to be linked to the inability to forgive oneself or others. I can definitely see how this applies to my thinking process.
Helping folks find the origins of emotional pain, whether it’s anger, self-blame, and the behaviors that go along with these (anxiety, avoidance, withdrawal, procrastination, etc) is why I trained in psychotherapy after suffering myself. Finding how toxic anger and vengeance can be, and managing these more skillfully, is connected to recovery from depression. There are behavioral skills like “Turning the Mind” and “Radical Acceptance” (from Dialectical Behavior Therapy) that can shift the old habits of thinking and feeling. And this takes practice, to remind oneself, over and over again in a mindful way.
Let me help you navigate this thorny ground, and develop some self-acceptance and forgiveness, that you could extend to others who may have wronged you too. Life is too short to harbor deep resentments.
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